Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Real and fake job tips

Inspired by Bill's...tips on job interviews, I've thought up some dos and do not dos for job interviews...I figured it's a skill more and more of us will be needing these days. Some of these tips may be less useful than others...

1. Despite the fact that no meeting in the history of this or any other universe has done anything than waste time, never say "I dislike meetings".

2. If a memo said "Bin Laden determined to attack America" do not claim your understanding of the memo is that Bin Laden did not intend to attack America. Note - this may not cost you the job, though, as some have found.

3. Rent Glengarry Glenn Ross, and try to have one iota of the confidence of Al Pacino's character. Never, I repeat, never, the confidence of Jack Lemmon's character.

4. Do not mention that you'll be needing a chair you can nap in.

5. Everyone on the earth says "I am a people person", which renders it utterly meaningless. Never say this - relate anecdotes of working out problems.

6. Probably an interview is not a good place to try and sell a time share.

7. Unless threatened with torture, never quote a number first in salary negotiations. There is no advantage in doing so.

8. I know many young people are looking for jobs nowadays. Despite a much more Internet savvy set of businesses, asking if they have "good bandwidth for wicked fast porn downloads" is probably not a good bet.

9. Just like Lifetime Original Movies, every meaningless event in your work life taught you a lesson, which you can now encapsulate for the interviewer.

10. Truck hats are not a good selection for the interview, unless you are trying to get a job as a trucker. Then it's pretty much a given.

11. The interviewer may forget the skills and experience everyone had. They won't forget who had confidence and energy in the interview.

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